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S: 9:40am
I've just been so busy lately...too busy to carve out time to post here.
Lately I've been feeling like nothing can just be easy...for example, I have a simple task, but need to do "x" before I do "y." The thing is "x" takes a long time so things get pushed further out and I feel like it's a bad reflection of me. Why didn't I take care of "x" before? Life came up and I keep shuffling things to the top of the list? Ugghh. Maybe it's just my mindset? Maybe I shouldn't "expect" things to be straight forward and easy?
Yesterday, I got up first thing in the morning to "hit the ground running" (as I have a lot of things to do and catch up on.) I was just focusing on the "do" and trying not to sit still too long and overthink, thus perpetuating the procrastinating cycle. So I was on a roll...do, do, do...don't think too much...then he texts me first thing in the morning something sullen and I just glanced over it and didn't really read it (still haven't read it over) because I didn't want him to demotivate me and get me in that shame-guilt cycle. So I responded with just that "I skimmed over what you wrote because I don't want to overthink and get in the shame guilt cycle. I'm up early and "hitting the ground running." I think it helped me be productive. I know he just wanted to share how he felt, but I'm not really in a good place mentally to entertain it without sacrificing myself and that doesn't help me or us (he wants me to get things done but his criticism and reactions when I don't get "enough" done, sets me back and I'm just maybe I want to try to do something different about it for a change? I'm starting to put my foot down and what I want to say with my actions is no I don't want to hear what you have to say about me unless it's positive because the negative reinforcement crap that you do, doesn't work but actually it does the opposite and sets me back further. Not only does it demotivate me, but it cuts my self esteem down and you make me start believing that I'm not good enough to the point where I almost start to question myself and start to believe that maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe I am just a "slob" etc etc or all the things you have called me when you were angry with me (I don't want to dig deeper to try to remember all the bad things he has called me because I don't want to go down that hole.)
I originally came on here to post a sentence or two and that came out. I gotta get going...gotta work on "x."
E: 10:01am
____
S: 11:58am
I'm 90% finished with "x". I started a 15 minute timer and have been listening to Caren Magill (an ADHD Coach) on youtube. I found her when I searched "I lack motivation to get things done" and discovered her video:
Why Self-Motivation Feels Impossible with ADHD & How to Fix It 🧐
I've just been letting her videos play while I worked through "x" (*it makes me feel less alone, kinda like I have someone there speaking words of wisdom and encouragement...that feels encouraging to me) and so much of what she says and the struggles she talks about are so relatable to me.
I caught myself tearing up while listening to her to another video of hers:
Crush Procrastination + Overwhelm With These Practical Strategies.
I was emotional and imagined talking to him and telling him, I'm not stupid. See I'm not stupid, I'm actually very smart. I just have ADHD tendencies. My dog came from the other room and tried to comfort me. My eyes were tearing up but I wasn't sobbing or anything. She usually tries to comfort me by lying near me or coming close to me. She's just so sweet. I believe she was trying to comfort me, but it could also be coincidence and she wanted to tell me that she's bored...she does that sometimes too, but today I choose to believe she sensed my sadness from rooms away and wanted to comfort me.
As I was trying to complete task "x," I kept telling myself it doesn't have to be perfect. Just good enough. (*I struggle with perfectionism, and it can be very exhausting.) So I still have 10% left on task "x" for it to be good enough for today. That is the goal. Sometimes my perfectionism makes it so that I want it 100% perfect, but that is an unrealistic goal because it hinders me from getting other things done and doesn't work because life's pace is too fast.
E: 12:18pm
I've just been so busy lately...too busy to carve out time to post here.
Lately I've been feeling like nothing can just be easy...for example, I have a simple task, but need to do "x" before I do "y." The thing is "x" takes a long time so things get pushed further out and I feel like it's a bad reflection of me. Why didn't I take care of "x" before? Life came up and I keep shuffling things to the top of the list? Ugghh. Maybe it's just my mindset? Maybe I shouldn't "expect" things to be straight forward and easy?
Yesterday, I got up first thing in the morning to "hit the ground running" (as I have a lot of things to do and catch up on.) I was just focusing on the "do" and trying not to sit still too long and overthink, thus perpetuating the procrastinating cycle. So I was on a roll...do, do, do...don't think too much...then he texts me first thing in the morning something sullen and I just glanced over it and didn't really read it (still haven't read it over) because I didn't want him to demotivate me and get me in that shame-guilt cycle. So I responded with just that "I skimmed over what you wrote because I don't want to overthink and get in the shame guilt cycle. I'm up early and "hitting the ground running." I think it helped me be productive. I know he just wanted to share how he felt, but I'm not really in a good place mentally to entertain it without sacrificing myself and that doesn't help me or us (he wants me to get things done but his criticism and reactions when I don't get "enough" done, sets me back and I'm just maybe I want to try to do something different about it for a change? I'm starting to put my foot down and what I want to say with my actions is no I don't want to hear what you have to say about me unless it's positive because the negative reinforcement crap that you do, doesn't work but actually it does the opposite and sets me back further. Not only does it demotivate me, but it cuts my self esteem down and you make me start believing that I'm not good enough to the point where I almost start to question myself and start to believe that maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe I am just a "slob" etc etc or all the things you have called me when you were angry with me (I don't want to dig deeper to try to remember all the bad things he has called me because I don't want to go down that hole.)
I originally came on here to post a sentence or two and that came out. I gotta get going...gotta work on "x."
E: 10:01am
____
S: 11:58am
I'm 90% finished with "x". I started a 15 minute timer and have been listening to Caren Magill (an ADHD Coach) on youtube. I found her when I searched "I lack motivation to get things done" and discovered her video:
Why Self-Motivation Feels Impossible with ADHD & How to Fix It 🧐
I've just been letting her videos play while I worked through "x" (*it makes me feel less alone, kinda like I have someone there speaking words of wisdom and encouragement...that feels encouraging to me) and so much of what she says and the struggles she talks about are so relatable to me.
I caught myself tearing up while listening to her to another video of hers:
Crush Procrastination + Overwhelm With These Practical Strategies.
I was emotional and imagined talking to him and telling him, I'm not stupid. See I'm not stupid, I'm actually very smart. I just have ADHD tendencies. My dog came from the other room and tried to comfort me. My eyes were tearing up but I wasn't sobbing or anything. She usually tries to comfort me by lying near me or coming close to me. She's just so sweet. I believe she was trying to comfort me, but it could also be coincidence and she wanted to tell me that she's bored...she does that sometimes too, but today I choose to believe she sensed my sadness from rooms away and wanted to comfort me.
As I was trying to complete task "x," I kept telling myself it doesn't have to be perfect. Just good enough. (*I struggle with perfectionism, and it can be very exhausting.) So I still have 10% left on task "x" for it to be good enough for today. That is the goal. Sometimes my perfectionism makes it so that I want it 100% perfect, but that is an unrealistic goal because it hinders me from getting other things done and doesn't work because life's pace is too fast.
E: 12:18pm
