4

 S:~7:45pm?

I asked him Thursday what his plans were Friday...because if he planned on going to the bar by himself, I was going to go to ladies night instead of sitting at home by myself, but in all honesty, I would've rather him take me out (because I would be delighted at the thought of him wanting to spend time with ME) or family time.  He didn't give me a definate answer; he told me that it depends on how his day was at work and how I am doing and what our son's plans are.  I told him that I'm not entirely sure if I'm going to go to ladies night because I'm not feeling it.  I didn't really like 1) eating so late, reservations at 7:15pm (I usually eat dinner around 4:30pm), 2)having to get all dressed up and 3)spending a ton of money on food with mediocre company.  I'm also more of an introvert and homebody.   He said that I should go for the social aspect since I'm at home and not around many people most of the time.
I was still back and forth about it and didn't want to cancel plans with the ladies unless we were definitely doing something. 
The week prior, I actually had my shit together and was "ready" in case he would invite me to go with him to the bar, but he didn't.  He said he was going to go out for a couple hours for a couple of drinks to get a breather.  He ended up getting very drunk and was out for longer than a "couple of hours for a couple of drinks" and when he got home told me that he was hit on by a lawyer.  He ended up sitting on the other side of the bar (the restaurant/karaoke side) because he didn't want to get hit by darts on his usual side.  He also said that he told the lawyer about "our kids and our kids college, etc."  It also sounded like he entertained her with plenty of conversation though.  He said that he told her that he was going to leave and just moved to the other side to chat with another regular (male) and then later on bumped into her outside and she had this "look on her face" when she realized that he didn't leave and she said something like "oh you didn't leave." He said the bartender warned him about her.  Apparently the lawyer started something with the bartender in the past and tried to get her fired, so the bartender doesn't like her.  Anyway, I did ask him some questions like her name.  He told me reluctantly and defensively saying that he only knew her name because of the bartender.  I happen to check his social media friend list today and I'm 99% sure that she is on there.  I feel like friending her on social media is the equivalent of getting someone's number.  It upsets me but I don't know what to do with it.  It makes me have vindicative thoughts like should I make friends with other guys?  I rarely go out though so how would I do that?  Then the vindicative daydream fizzles...

Friday comes and he called and asked what our son's plans were and if he still wanted to do something and I told him our son is home and yes still wanted to do something.  When he got home, he said they were going to go to Trillium or maybe join his cousin and his cousin's daughter at a restaurant of his cousin's liking depending on what our son thought.  I was frustrated because I felt it was a little late to bail out on ladies' night around 5:30pm  but I would've rather be with him.  He gaslighted me and said that he is doing what he told me he was going to do Thursday night, but I didn't interpret it as the same because he didn't give me a definite answer.  So that was frustrating to me.  He felt like I was giving him a hard time.  I also felt frustrated because I'd rather be with him and complained to him that they were eating so late and he didn't want to hear it.  He just felt frustrated with my complaining.  He said it's just my anxiety and it's a pattern that I have.  At the time I felt that he was just frustrated with me and sick of me "complaining" but I just wanted to feel heard and have my feelings justified.  The way he interacts with me, never makes me feel understood or heard or validated.  Instead, he makes me feel like I'm a bother, that I should not speak my mind about how I feel to him.  Later on, I tried to trust what he said that it was just my anxiety, and he told me that I should get dressed up and feel good and go out and enjoy people's company.  I pushed through it even though I was fighting it inside.   

Dinner was okay, but I was left feeling invisible and it caused me to have poor sleep because it bothered me.  I don't want to get into it right now though.
 

Today, my teen was out of the house so my S.O. was hoping to get "lucky" and told me to get in the shower and "change" but we ended up getting into a quarrel and in hindsight, it was my fault.  
This was what the quarrel was about:

So last night when I went for ladies night, my S.O. ended up taking our son out.  My S.O.'s cousin was planning on stopping by for something unrelated and of course my S.O. wanted to hang out with his cousin, but when he asked if our son was down, my son said he didn't want to go out with them because he had a lot going on and just wanted it to be just the two of them.  He then told me that during dinner he explained to my son that if you don't hang out with your younger cousins they are going to grow up and "hate" you.  That struck a nerve with me because it seemed like he was guilt tripping him into hanging out with his cousin.  I told him that I don't believe that opting to not hang out with your cousin for one night is going to make his cousin "hate" him in the future.  He also used the example of that's why my daughter hated her older cousin.  I reminded him that was not the reason why my daughter hated her old cousin.  I reminded him that she did a lot of mean things to my daughter, but he didn't want to be reminded of the details because it wasn't important in the conversation.  He didn't need to be reminded of every negative thing in the past. 

You see my son is very easy going and has high emotional intelligence and he is very good with people.  Majority of people like him and get along with him...I would even say that people are drawn to him.  It's been like that since he was very young.  He's that kid that if he was ever sitting by himself, he doesn't have to even work for it, people are drawn to him and eventually gravitate towards him.  So I disputed the case with my husband.  He didn't like that.  I asked him if he prefers someone who didn't have an opinion because I felt like every time I voice my opinion, he gets frustrated.  He was offended when I asked him that question.  He said it's not that he has a problem with someone having an opinion, it's that I am being toxic and need to bring up every negative memory to justify my case and it was unnecessary for this situation.  

I felt frustrated because I guess I did want to "prove" that, but I guess the reason for the effort of stating all the negative things wasn't necessary.  I don't think about WHY I am arguing...I just argue...
I do have a toxic pattern...one extreme or another...I was frustrated and I argue and I created ye another negative memory...I really need to stop doing that...what is the point?  I don't think before I speak. I just speak and regret it later... it's horrible.

He said forget it to the whole getting "lucky" and long story short, he ended up going to the bar.  He got drunk.  He called me at one point and said that he was drunk but reset.  I was glad that he reset and got out of his funk, but by then I was protecting myself and was not warm, happy or fuzzy.  I drove home and saw the garage light on and asked him if it is supposed to be on for some reason because I didn't want to shut it off without asking because I've shut off lights before and he yelled at me because it was to charge a battery and he just got frustrated when I said all of this and I set him off again.  I'm frustrated because I keep setting him off.  Am I super toxic because I am bitter and resentful?  How do I stop being so bitter and resentful though?  It just seems like whenever I'm willing to work with him, he's not and vice versa.  I wish it wasn't so hard.  I don't know what to do.  I'm miserable and making him miserable.  It's an awful cycle.  How do I stop this cycle?

You know how people always talk about staying away from "toxic" people?  Well, I started recognizing that I may be the "toxic" one a few months ago...it's a horrible realization.  No one ever thinks that THEY ARE THE TOXIC ONE...

I googled "toxic traits" and the things that I have been guilty of in at least some point in the past and some I'm still battling with now:

-negativity 

-selfishness

-passive aggression

-criticism

-controlling

-playing the victim

-judgmental

-blaming

-taking no responsibility

-constant drama

 

...just to name some...an incomplete list.

I never thought of it as being "toxic" but I also lacked self awareness.  I'm so ashamed of it and embarrassed, but the anonymity of this journal helps me be more open and free.  I seriously have so much work to do.  I want to change and be someone that my family enjoys being around.  My goal is to make great happy memories together, but my actions are not lining up with my goals.  I keep making mistakes and many are repeated mistakes and I don't know what is wrong with me and why I can't just stop doing these toxic things.  I hate hurting him.  I hate making him feel unloved.

Maybe he is right and I am just so toxic and negative and always causes drama.  I don't want to do these things, but I do.  How do I keep me mouth shut?  I want to change, but it's so hard.

Every day I wake up hoping that I don't fuck up and make a mistake, but I do.  I'm tired and tomorrow is a new day.  I can start by not saying anything negative or toxic or anything in the complain department.  I'll be praying.  Please pray for me.
Not sure if what I wrote above is coherent (I may or may not edit it again another day, but most likely not), but I'm mentally exhausted...and I was unproductive today.  Ughh...
E: 10:12pm