noteasyforme

S: 7:12am

I hate the issues that I have that make every day things hard.  
I googled this morning "many interest but no follow through sympton of" and results per google pointed to ADHD.  I go through this guilt shame cycle because everyone around me (mostly my poor S.O.) is so sick and tired of hearing my ideas and no follow through or steps towards the goal.  Do I blame them?  No, but it makes me feel like shit about myself and then I associate the "cause" (them pointing it out) with the "effect" (feeling like shit.)  Then I want to push them away because I don't want to feel like shit.  I do try to make myself better, but the speed that I do that is too slow for the thinness of their patience.  That along with the obstacle of wanting to give up and my lack of confidence due to my history of poor follow through.  

Ughhh...

So I am so embarrassed to say this and was in denial for quite some time but I am a hoarder (no it's not to the degree of the extreme hoarders like on the amc series "hoarders" and nothing close to that extreme, but it does cause problems in my relationships.) 

My interpretation of hoarding in my situation is difficulty letting things go once they are in my possession, unless disposed of in an acceptable way in my opinion.  Acceptable ways:  recycling, selling items...but there are finer details involved...maybe I'll share in the future.

I think several things contributed to the hoarding behavior:

The way I was raised and living on the poverty scale.  Growing up, I remember being hungry often...not that I was starved for days or anything, but waiting for my mom to come home to make us dinner after working a 9-5 but having to take public transportation and getting home late.  Eventually when we were old enough, we made ramens or the little individual servings of pot pie as a snack to hold us over until mom gets home.  I DON'T hoard food like how it is often depicted in the "hoarders" show with moldy fridges and an overstock of unorganized mice infested pantries, but if I find a bag of expired cereal not too far from the expiration date, I will probably try to eat it and finish it even though I don't really like the cereal or find some "creative" way to reuse it.  Another example is I had a whole gallon of expired milk (my son for some reason didn't drink milk that week and that's who drinks milk in the household) and I found out through the help of google that expired milk is good for composting in soil, so I did that and haven't purchased milk since (I told him to tell me when he wants me to buy milk again because I hated wasting it...I know it's a little extreme, especially since milk is only a few dollars, but that's the type of thinking that comes from my hoarding mind.)

Also, as far as I remember, only wearing "hand me downs" 95% of the time growing up (until I was old enough to get a job.)  My friend growing up would get new clothes every year for back to school shcpping.  Not I.  I would look forward to the bag of hand me downs and made the shoes that were a hair too short, work.  I would come up with outfits based on what I had.  Yes that was a long time ago but it still has a hold on me. 
 
I really enjoy recycling and the idea of upcycling.  It makes me feel like I'm doing my part to help the environment.  For example, I always recycle the plastic grocery bags (I just bring my old ones every time I have to go back to the grocery store and put them in the plastic bag recycling bin.

I also remember seeing my father's hoarding behavior growing up.  He hoarded newspaper for some reason.  Just newspaper as far as I knew.  It was stacked to the ceiling.  I remember my parents arguing about it. 

I also remember when I got a job, I had my own money and used shopping as "therapy."  

Then after having kids and getting laid off from work as an adult...becoming a one income household.  I took the opportunity to focus on the kids.  I also had time to pick up items that were generously gifted from strangers for the most part.  I didn't realize it then, but now I know that every time that happened, it was a hit of dopamine and developed into an addiction? (for lack of a better term) for a while.  

I stopped using shopping as "therapy" but I have accumulated a lot in the free communities.  It slowed down when my teen got their driver's license and is using my car to drive themselves to school.  I have a truck but can't justify wasting gas of a truck to pick up most items unless it is "worth it."  

It's not just stuff, but also an accumulation of papers I didn't deal with right away and not it's a big mount of paper but puts my anxiety and adhd on overload.

My S.O. was throwing away my stuff and has been secretly throwing my stuff away.  My S.O. feels very offended that I am "choosing stuff over the family."  That's not how I see it.  I see that I have problems such as with trust (letting others have control over what is mine), procrastination, adhd (not following through on tasks, so things end up being disorganized and messy and eventually becoming more than I can handle with my current responsibilities), hoarding (beliefs that make it more difficult to let go of items than the normal person),  but I don't love them any less.  I need help.  I have been going to therapy, but we have been working on past traumas, but haven't focused on hoarding yet.  

That's all I have time for today.  

F:  8:11am

 S:~7:45pm?

S: 10:42am

I have this weird thing going, where I am dedicated to only using a certain pen when writing in my planner in hopes to use up the ink completely before moving on to another pen.

It all started several months ago...you see we have a bunch of pens in the "junk drawer" in the kitchen and some pens write nicer than others, but I can't seem to find myself to throw away the shittier pens so it stays in the junk drawer. Problem is, pens start to accumulate and none are tossed so I decided to pick the shittiest pen to use it up. If I use it up, then I can get rid of it. So I endured using a shitty pen until it ran out, then I picked the next shittiest pen, which was identical to the first shitty pen and as of the last few days, it is starting to run out, so it's writing extra shitty and I'm over here enduring it. Why? So I get the satisfaction of finishing off the shitty pen so that I can finally get rid of it, otherwise it will just get shuffled around in the junk drawer endlessly. I can't wait until this shitty pen runs out so I can pick the next (3rd) shittiest pen from the junk drawer.

Justification:
-I can use it up (not waste)
-I can declutter the shitty pen once used 
(*Is it because I am obsessed with not being "wasteful"?  Is it because I am disgusted with how wasteful most people are and concerned about the environmental effects?  Is it because I have hoarding tendencies?)

These are thoughts I normally just keep in my own head, but decided to write about it due to the goals stated in my first post.

If I could pick any pen that I wanted, my first choice would be a blue Bic Crystal Pen.  It writes smooth and I love the way it feels.  I haven't used it in many many many years because I can't justify buying pens because I have so many pens!  (*Is it because I feel like I'm not worth it?)
E: 11:19am